I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
