Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
