the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
