New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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