So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
