Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
COCAINE IS GR8
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
