ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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