i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
