Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
