Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
