No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
