the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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