I could make wine with my vomit
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
