she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
