there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
