God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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