The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
