Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
