Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You ate ashes out of my bong
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
