Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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