how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
