Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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