he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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