his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
