Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
