so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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