The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
