so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
