I will die if light touches me.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
