that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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