Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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