Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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