Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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