Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
