another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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