also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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