had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
