Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
