So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
