i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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