Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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