I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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