we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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