Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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