Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
