"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
