I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Mom said you looked used
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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