I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
