while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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