Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
