We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
