I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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