I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
