I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
