You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
