you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
