I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
