Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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