Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
